Up to one year and six months ago, I was a mess.  I didn't know it then, but looking back I was struggling in my head and heart.  I had debilitating thoughts of inferiority, coveting the success of other photographers, thinking my work was well below subpar no matter how much people would say it was "Beautiful!" and "Exactly what we wanted!".  Thinking I should just throw in the towel because there is no way I can keep up with these pros and their amazing creativity.  I kept it all inside because I couldn't show weakness, I couldn't show doubt.  Who would come to a photographer who doubted herself, lacked confidence in her work?  Some days I felt purposeless and hopeless.  Feeling like I needed to do "more for the world" and feeling like I had so much more to give, but couldn't.  Some days I was hanging on by the thread that is holding the thread on.    

One year and six months ago, God saved me and my husband.  No kidding, the Holy Spirit entered my body, my heart, my head, my soul.  The day I surrendered myself to Christ and His will for my life, I became a different person (finally understood what it means when people say they are "reborn").  Inwardly first, because I still suffered from feeling inferior and worrying about what people would think, but in my heart I was different.  That day I folded our clothes with purpose (I honestly remember!), I had hope for the future, I was no longer terrified of the Mayan calendar!  

Since that day life hasn't been all blue skies and roses, but gradually I've become stronger in my God-given talent (to capture life at 1/100-1/3200 of a second), more confident in my roles as a wife, mother, friend, sister and daughter.  Confident that I know that I am where I need to be right now, and the work I'm doing right now is the work He wants me to do.  He calls me to laugh, play, talk, and BE with my two beautiful babies, He calls me to be a loving and respectful wife, He calls me to reach out to my family, He calls me to talk confidently about His greatness and His love, He calls me to talk to Him.  I read the Bible and am moved at how timely God is, how His word can affect us everyday of our lives.  It leads us to see a need, make a change, learn to love, and be honest with ourselves in the VERY least.

Last month was hard for me.  One day I asked Sean, "Why did you choose me?"  I was hoping I wasn't going to scare him into thinking I was starting menopause early or having a third-life crisis with such a left field question!  He did wonder why I asked, but he said "Because you're fun to be around, and I thought that would help in life."  I asked him because I was worried that I had lost that something that I once had.  Passion for things, drive, enthusiasm, motivation.  All of the things I see in other photographers, but sometimes don't see in me.  

I've been wanting to write something like this for a while and the last few weeks in church our pastor has been talking about how we need to have a sense of urgency in spreading the good news and making the necessary changes in our walks.  I am seeing more and more that God is putting new people in my path, and I am loving these people.  But, today's devotional topic was "When we feel inferior".  It sites Ephesians 2:10, "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."  The part of the commentary that jumped at me was the following, "After salvation, the first step toward healing is to get the Creator's viewpoint of yourself.  Ephesians 2:10 clearly spells out that you are His workmanship--God is at work in you, and He doesn't turn out shoddy products.  In fact, the word workmanship here means 'masterpiece.'  Would He allow His masterpiece to end up inferior?  Absolutely not!  His work in you is perfect.  If you doubt that, you might be looking at others and thinking that you don't measure up to them.  Of course you don't.  God has designed something different for them.  Because you are unique, there's no one with whom you can compare yourself.  God is fitting you for a purpose like NO ONE ELSE'S."  (Charles Stanley's InTouch magazine February 2013).

So with an impending move to Italy, changes in my business that are unknown, exciting adventures soon to come...I am fully looking to God to see us through.  I pray that I can keep my cool, overcome whatever obstacles we may encounter with patience, and spend as much time with those who have made life in Maryland something I will treasure forever.