follow that dream
Tough days are inevitable...I've been working through this with our daughter and some days, it's brutal.
Our daughter has been having some rough days. When we arrived in San Diego, she was super excited to start volleyball. We found a club, she tried out a few months later, then began the routine of practices and tournaments. For the past couple of months, she's lost the joy she once held for volleyball. She was frustrated, crying, angry...name a negative emotion and she felt it towards her favorite sport. We got her started on one-on-one practices to work on skills and get her more reps, tried to figure out what was going on. More frustration, tears and anger. Pep talks about persevering, the ups and downs of athletic pursuits, and working through the emotions of failing practice after practice were had ad nauseam. After a recent practice, I turned her around and said, "That's it...let's go talk to coach." I was at a loss. He shared some encouraging words with her (and me) that the goal of the club is to build fundamentally sound volleyball players with solid technical skills, she's got some bad habits to break and when we try to break bad habits we should expect to experience a decline in ability while our mind and body figure out how to accomplish this known thing in a new way.
As an important side note to this story (and I'm so out of practice writing that I am unable to smoothly connect these two things), since we've been in San Diego, E has proved to enjoy an extremely wide array of music. The Beach Boys, The Beatles, Dion, Rolling Stones, The Chordettes' Mr. Sandman, Ballroom Blitz by Sweet and Elvis Presley are just an inkling of what I get to hear whenever we are in the car together not to mention the new pop songs too. She's an excellent DJ, an ability she gets from her daddy.
In the most recent weeks, as I've exhausted my ability to encourage her with words, and have become an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, I've turned the question back on E. I've asked her, "in the future, when your daughter or son has this same experience because, face it sister, no one escapes these struggles, what are you going to tell her or him about your experience right now?" She thought for a minute, then said, "I'll say ' hey sweetie, you know, I went through something just like this when I was 14 years old and it really sucked, but I didn't give up because it was a dream of mine to try to play college volleyball." A few days after this, we were driving home from a practice, E turns to me and says, "You know what song is really helping me right now, mommy? Elvis's Follow That Dream." I hadn't heard that song before, so I asked her "Why is that?" And she said, "The words really resonate with how I'm feeling towards volleyball, I gotta keep moving along so that I can follow my dream." Of course I had to listen to it and read the lyrics, you can too right here. E's journey isn't about finding the love she needs like Elvis's was...at least right now it isn't...it's about "keep a movin', move along."
I think we can all resonate with this song because some days are just tough and our dreams may seem far off, but we gotta keep pressing forward.
(Here's just a few of our zoo pictures from spring break, I gotta add pictures even if they don't go with the theme!)
too long...
It's been way too long since I wrote on here.
I really miss it, I love going back and reading my old posts, but I lack the discipline to routinely sit down and put my thoughts into this template. My subconscious perfectionism wins out. It tells me "it's going to take too long to create something that is perfect, and, Mackenzie, you don't want to put anything out there that is less than perfect." Then there's the other voice that says, "who wants to read anything you have to say? Putting in the effort to write down your thoughts is done in vain." Well, I know how much I enjoy reading my past posts, how they take me back to Italy, back to weddings and to families I photographed. I tell myself I want to remember the struggles, the triumphs, the people and experiences from my past. So, here we are.
We have been in San Diego for almost five weeks. It hasn't been the easiest transition, but it hasn't been the hardest. Tomorrow, I get to reunite with a group of friends from Italy. Last night, I sat down for dinner at a table of women who I have never met before in my life and they commented on how brave I was to step out so soon after arriving. And I responded with "if I don't step out now, chances are I won't down the line." I didn't see it as brave though. It wasn't the first time I walked into a room of women, not knowing a soul. The first time I did that, I met some of the finest women I've ever met who were all in the same boat as I and were prepared help each other through. How can I not step out every time after that experience? God provided beautiful relationships for me then, and He'll continue to do so now.
We had an amazing time traveling across the country with my sister; I look back and can't even believe we did that. It was incredible though. We listened to books on tape and lots of 80's pop radio when we weren't playing aggressive games of Cows on My Side or reading Harry Potter is our best ugly British accents - think the woman from Princess Bride who tells everyone to "Bow down to Queen Buttercup, the queen of filth, the queen of rot!" The girls were laughing pretty hard in the van, while the boys were riding in the Jeep listening to some audiobook on combat. It was pretty great. We saw a ton though, I do hope to get it down on here and share the pictures of our adventure...praying for the discipline to do it. I'll keep this one short, my time's up and I have a second coat of paint to put on my coffee table.
Here's a few pictures....
Why I want to teach...
My first assignment in my science teaching methods class was to explain why I want to teach. I finally wrote it all down and wanted to share it...
Becoming a teacher was never really on my radar until God smacked me in the face with it in September of 2016. We had just moved back to the States from Italy that July, and I had been praying, and asking friends to pray for me, for wisdom on what I was supposed to do when we got back. Before we moved to Italy, I was running my photography business in southern Maryland going on six years growing steadily each year, raising my two children, and holding down the fort while my husband lived on a ship in Norfolk, VA, for the middle two of those six years. I intended to work while we lived in Italy and had the goal of photographing a wedding before we moved back in three years, until I was told I couldn't due to legal issues with the SOFA (status of forces agreement) where dependents of service members are not protected under the SOFA; therefore, had to pay Italian taxes as a small business. I don't know why my business was targeted while other American dependents continued to work as photographers, other than, it was God's plan. With my focus taken off of running my business, I was able to volunteer to be one of the Bible study teachers through a women's ministry I was a part of. My final year in Italy, I was approached to be president of the organization. Aside from our previous school's almost non-existent PTO, I had never led anything. So leading a women's ministry that drew 80 women every week and had a 18 person leadership board was a nerve wracking new experience. But, it was through those three years and all of those experiences that I learned so much about myself, what I'm capable of accomplishing, and how I truly love leading and teaching a group, specifically, the sharing of knowledge and life experiences. One of my final Bible studies in Italy was focused on understanding the spiritual gifts, and by the end I knew my gifts were leadership and teaching, an idea which was 100 percent affirmed by the other women in my group. One other thing our tour in Italy, and my stepping away from photography, provided me was wonderful family time, this above everything else was a deciding factor in my next step.
After resettling into the States and unpacking the three shipments of belongings, I began to work on reopening my photography business. It didn't take long for me to figure out it wasn't where I wanted to put my energy. Don't get me wrong, I love photography and I miss the interactions with brides on their wedding days and brothers and sisters during a family portrait, but what I couldn't walk away from was the time I would be missing with my own family. During a conversation with a friend who is a high school history teacher, I experienced the aforementioned smack in the face. God brought to mind my high school biology/environmental science teacher and how he did everything he could to get us out of our seats and outside studying the environment firsthand. I thought of the anger and frustration that bubbled up when I read Jonathan Kozol's Savage Inequalities way back in 2007 and how I wanted to work to change the academic realities so many children face at school. I thought of how I learned in one of my favorite books, Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel, that children have three driving inner needs: a secure love, a significant purpose, and a strong hope, and that I am finally at a place in my life to encourage children to realize that they have a purpose, are loved and can be hopeful. I thought, mostly, of how I have only six more years of having my oldest child under my roof and home on weekends, and being a teacher will provide me with a schedule that will meet the needs of my family.
Reflecting on the excerpt from chapter two of Lortie's Schoolteacher, I can see a lot of his ideas in my life. I come from a blue collar family; my grandfather, uncle and sister were/are teachers though there was never encouragement for me to become a teacher; I see teaching as a service to give back to my community wherever that may be; and yes, the schedule will allow me to have a career and soak up these fleeting days of childhood in my home. I can't say that I've wanted to be a teacher since I was a child even though I loved going to school, but I can say that being a teacher is all I want to do now. I've experienced a lot of and from life, and I'm excited to encourage the next generation(s) to do the same, lovingly, purposefully, and hopefully.
So there you have it, I'm still taking pictures for close friends for fun and because I'm a lover of light, color, and the world around me, so here's a photo because that will always and forever be my creative outlet.
Preparation
Preparation.
This one word has been bouncing around in my head for weeks. Not bouncing around in that I was trying to figure out what the Lord meant by it, but because I had a big epiphany regarding why I was doing a specific study. Last summer, a small group of ladies I met through the mom's group at our church invited me to join their prayer group. After praying over the decision, I felt the Lord encourage me to join them. This past January we started a book study from Shauna Niequist, Present over Perfect. I flew through the actual book because she's a great writer, a lot of what she said was good to see in print and I love personal testimonies. The book is a testimony of how Shauna was working herself to the bone trying to be everything in every aspect of her life (work, wife, kids, friends, extended friends, extended family, PTO). After 10 years of running and pushing towards perfection, she realized that she was letting down the people that meant the most to her, her inner circle. In between traveling for speaking engagements, writing books, "living life to the fullest", she would get home and be exhausted, snappy and not present with her husband and kids.
I'll be honest, I didn't see myself in this book. This is not where I am, this is not the type of person I am at this point in my life. Have I been here, yes. I don't like the crazy busy schedules, I think mostly because I'm not a good planner. I live day to day, meal to meal if you will, and I really like the open schedule to provide spontaneous fun and adventure. But, as I prepare to start another semester of school and go hard charging to graduation next May, as I look down the tunnel coated with graduate courses, 95 hours of student teaching, a clinical capstone, new and unknown pressures, and as we dove into the chapter "Yes and No," the Lord pressed on me "preparation."
Oh, He knows me so well. He brought to my mind the words I spoke to a friend "I can't wait to get involved in the school and community with the extracurriculars, not just teaching, but maybe coaching or newspaper or a photography club, I just so excited for those possibilities too!" He knows that I would throw myself into everything that interests me in the name of "teaching and reaching out to these kids!" He knows that I would "Yes" all over the place because that's what I do when I get excited about new adventures. He knows that I needed this book, if for nothing else, then to prepare and protect me from myself as I dive into this new place. He knows that the tools of centering prayer, Lectio Divina, spiritual direction, etc. that Shauna gives us in this workbook will help me when life becomes louder and busier that I'm used to. He is such a good Father!
He knows the tunnels ahead, He knows mountains and the valleys, He knows what's coming. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" And wouldn't you know this verse runs through my mind everyday, every hour. My daily walk with the Lord, provides me this comfort, this promise.
Hebrews 13:20-21 says, "Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead the Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen." The Lord has plans, but He won't push us into those plans ill-equipped. He prepares us for His will, it's up to us to actually see it, trust it, and follow through with the preparation even if it doesn't make much sense.
Now I need a picture because I may not be doing photography right now, I'm still a photographer and lover of light. Yes, these are from Italy...a piece of my heart is still there.
Christ Community
On June 10th, we left the life we lived for three years and began the transition into the yet life unknown. New church, new city, new schools, new friends, new neighborhood, new job, new house, new bills, new everything. I knew it was going to be hard moving to a city where I didn't know anyone especially after coming from having developed so many incredible friendships in Naples.
We moved into our new house on June 30. Knowing that we needed to find a church, and find one fast, we set out on that first Sunday to begin our search for a home church. It was tough y'all. Before Christ Community Church the biggest congregation we've ever participated in was no more than 75 people, this church has the capability to seat 1000! Overwhelmed doesn't begin to explain what I was experiencing. I was lonely, terrified, sad, you name it I was it. I wound up crying through the entire praise and worship (about 30 minutes) and then again during the closing prayer. At the end of church, we just sat there and Sean gets a tap on his shoulder. This beautiful soul asks if we are new. We say yes, very new. He introduces himself, Jack, and Sean introduces us to which he replies "I have a grandson named Adin, how do you spell your name?" Adin spells it out and Jack replies, "Wow, that's how he spells his name too!" (A side story: Sean's grandpa, after whom we named Adin and who Sean was so very close to, had been nicknamed Jack by his family and friends. We lost Grandpa about 10 years ago before Adin was born, but he died knowing that if the baby just beginning to take shape in my belly was a boy, he would certainly carry his name.) So, Sean and I were pretty stunned at this point and I for sure knew that our Faithful Father was looking out for us in this hard time. The following week we went back to Christ Community, and there was Jack at the end of the service looking for us. He said he wanted to take us out to lunch. We were experiencing yet another emotionally draining day, but accepted because we didn't want to stand in God's way and what He was doing through Jack.
Fast forward a couple of months, some good stuff, some bad stuff, some happy stuff and some sad stuff. Each day is better than the last, yet some are just better because we got out of bed. It's rough, I can't say much more than that. Change is hard, it stretches and challenges us. You know what else it does, it makes us remember His faithfulness to overfill our cups when we least expect it. Each Sunday we attend, the Spirit touches our hearts through the sermon, through the people and their powerful prayers, through it all. So, again I fast forward to this past Thursday. I attend the mom's group at Christ Community where we break into small groups. I'm the new one in my group, the other ladies know each other and have for quite a few years. I tell them my story about how we found Christ Community. One lady, who is an elder with her husband for the church and is choked up at this point, asks me, "Do you know who Jack and Barb are?" I say no. She goes on to tell me that they are the founders of Christ Community. This church was built out of their living room, it is because of them and a handful of other couples that we have what we have today, and the story I just told them was a terrific example of what the heart of Christ Community looks like. Wow. Just wow.
So, today, September 11th, we celebrated the 50th anniversary of Christ Community Church's existence. We learned of Jack and Barb's hearts for a handful of couples who were struggling and desired a church closer to their community on the Westshore. We walked through three different buildings Christ Community called home over the last 50 years. We witnessed a now pastor talk about knowing Jack and Barb as a child while listening to our lead pastor say upon meeting Jack, "Jack was like Dick Clark to the body of Christ!" We witnessed the fruit of 50 years of loving labor in the Lord. We witnessed most importantly the grace and faithfulness of the Lord through two servants who responded when called. Pastor Hess read from Hebrews 13:7, "Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith." He added to the end, "...be as bold in your adventures as they were in theirs."
As I stood there applauding for Jack and Barb, my cup overfilled for these two very special people and once again I am reassured that the Lord is taking care to put us exactly where we need to be. Great is thy Faithfulness.